


Mistakes

by PettyMess



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: College, I mean, M/M, One Shot, Post-Canon, You decide!, also fair warning: dont read this if youre trying to get over someone, dont be on archive if youre trying to get over someone lmao, i certainly don't know!, in which jeremy is an ass, more like a break it, should michael be in his room?, walking around?, what is a setting?, wouldnt call it a fix it tho, yike should i tag this as angst?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 15:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13977633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PettyMess/pseuds/PettyMess
Summary: Michael Mell has been living quite the ordinary year in college. Apart from all that happened in high school, it all seems boring, monotonous, and peaceful. The thing is, one can never simply forget - you have to learn to face your fears and get over them. Michael's fear? Jeremy Heere.





	Mistakes

“I was just thinking about you.” 

The words stared right back at Michael, who, not knowing what they meant or what they were about, stood over them for perhaps a minute. What was their tone? Were they simply implying a memory of Bob Marley, maybe, or playing video games together well into the night? Perhaps they spoke about his friend - no, his childhood friend - reminiscing about their school years together. 

High school had been tough, and, as Michael had promised and known all along, college was much better. It wasn’t that he had a lot of friends and the social acceptance he had dreamed about in junior year. He figured that would come with time and exposure. This was a matter of peace, because, unlike in high school, Michael Mell finally felt at peace. There were no spikes of interest in his days, but this meant that there were no spikes of anxiety, either. His days were perfectly boring, but on the other hand this meant that they were perfectly normal. His days had no Jeremy Heere to brighten them up with a single request to spend the afternoon at his place, but conversely that meant that there was no Jeremy Heere leaving him, no Jeremy Heere dampening his days with frowns and, on some occasions, scowls. 

“What about?”

Michael made sure to keep his response casual but cautious. He had been that way with Jeremy for the time they were apart. As a high school senior, this was the mechanism he had developed, and after almost a year of not seeing him every day, this was almost ludicrously easy. Sure, he missed Jeremy. He missed the fact that he thought they really were a pair, an inseparable pair, two halves of the same coin, two peas in a pod, ying and yang, and the whole gamut of cheesy metaphors used for two people who were supposed to be “fated” to be together. He missed Jeremy, and there was no way to mask it. He missed playing with him, laughing with him, the very rare humming session with him, the occasional visiting new places with him. He even missed helping Jeremy when he was freaking out over Christine. He missed Jeremy, and that was not something he could forget.

Still, he was doing fine in life without him. With Jeremy, he was always with Jeremy. If Jeremy chose to go somewhere and asked Michael to go along, then Michael would happily tag behind. If Jeremy decided to be sad on a specific day, then Michael’s mood would also be affected. If Jeremy decided to do anything at all, then Michael would be by his side. The squip had left Jeremy vulnerable, after all, and it was Michael’s help that Jeremy sought. Michael had never felt as needed as he did the summer after junior year. Having trouble bouncing back to his everyday life after nearly squipping the entire school, Jeremy had decided to rely on the person he had left most alone when he decided to take the squip. The irony was not lost on Michael, but it made him feel all the more important. If the squip had prioritized eliminating Michael out of Jeremy’s life, it must have been because the squip felt his influence threatened by him. If Michael was a menace and competition to a voice that would literally always be on Jeremy’s brain, then surely Michael was very important to Jeremy. Such thoughts were kindled by the fact that Jeremy’s own father had nearly pleaded Michael to help Jeremy, asserting that he was “the one he needs.” Such thoughts gave Michael the courage to stand up to Jeremy’s acts, to clean them all up for him if he allowed it. 

And he had allowed it. And he had reveled in the fact that Michael had come to save him. The pleasure he had obtained from knowing that whatever might happen, Michael was there to clean up for him was akin to debauchery, and it had scared Michael even then. It had scared Michael, but it hadn’t stopped him. It hadn’t stopped him from going along with everything Jeremy asked for, it hadn’t stopped him from being there to support him even when he felt that Jeremy was only testing how far Michael would go for him. Fear couldn’t stop him because he feared being wrong in doubting his best friend more than he feared the consequences of blind faith. Fear couldn’t stop him because, while he feared that his doubts were right and indeed Jeremy was only using him, he didn’t want to be right; he wanted to be wrong, wanted to chalk it up to his insecurities. Michael would rather call himself a horrible person for doubting his best friend than believe Jeremy had an evil bone in his body. 

Jeremy knew this, and he had abused this fact. It took Michael a whole year to realize and come to terms with this, and he had still not managed to get over it. He had made sure to go to college far away from Jeremy, hoping that it would give him time and space to think, but he had begun to comprehend that more than time and space and peace were needed to draft a conclusion. It had been almost a year away from Jeremy, and still he knew that if he saw his face, he would not be able to look at him in the eyes. There was too much to say, and no way to say it. Even the smallest of sentences through text could make Michael’s peace fall off its axis, and this was why, for almost a year, he had made sure to be casual and cautious in their interactions. Being casual, he hoped that Jeremy would understand that he would no longer bow down to his every word, that he was no more prostrate to his bidding than he was when they first met. Casual tones and every day words also, Michael hoped, conveyed that he didn’t think much of his sentences, however much that might be a lie. Being cautious just added the finishing touch, making sure that, though his responses might seem casual, he didn’t fall into the trap he had set up and forgot the many wrongs Jeremy had committed. If he dared forget, for even a second, he would go back to the way they were that summer, and he would not (or rather could not) allow that. 

Taking a deep breath and remembering why he had chosen the path he was walking along, Michael once again looked down at his phone, expecting a response.

“I was thinking of the few times I have made genuine mistakes. One of those was the way I treated you two summers ago. I don’t know why, but I feel like I had to tell you.”

Michael let out a small laugh, defeated. Jeremy was right. The way he had behaved that summer had been a mistake. No one deserved to be tricked, and he should not have deceived Michael into thinking that he was important to him. Jeremy had used Michael to get some sort of satisfaction, Jeremy had used him as a lap dog that would be at his beck and call. Jeremy had betrayed his trust, claiming things that weren’t true, Jeremy had absolutely destroyed Michael’s self esteem, Jeremy… Jeremy had been kind. Through the entirety of that summer, yes, Michael was there if Jeremy carelessly but nod on him, and he was lied to and manipulated like a puppet. But how kindly had his puppet-master been! Jeremy must have been aware that he didn’t need to pretend to care about Michael to the extent he did to keep him around, but Jeremy had gone the extra mile. Whenever Michael cried, Jeremy had been there that summer. Be it with words or with physical affection, Jeremy had comforted Michael. Jeremy had been kind. On one occasion, Michael’s tears came for a very dumb reason, one Michael couldn’t even recall, but Jeremy, seated next to him, had not made fun of him or insisted that his crying was foolish. Jeremy had assured him that it was perfectly normal to cry because of this, even if Michael knew it wasn’t so, and offered his ears if Michael needed to rant about it. His tone, his voice, his words, his very presence soothed Michael into smiling again. Another occasion, when going out with the friends Jeremy had been slowly making, Michael had cried once again. This time, Jeremy was far away, and it was other people who asked Michael why he was crying. No one knew what to do, and Michael did not seek anyone out, but all it took was a glance, and Jeremy was by his side, holding him as he let his feelings pour out in liquid drops. Despite his games, despite his deceit, Jeremy had been kinder that summer than he ever had been. Jeremy had made Michael feel needed, Jeremy had made Michael even more convinced that they were, indeed, a pair. 

Calling that a mistake… calling that a mistake broke Michael’s heart.

It wasn’t a gut-wrenching moment in which he felt pain in his chest. It was a moment of dull realization, confirming what he knew to be true. It was a moment that made Michael realize that he no longer felt anything. Disappointment did not find its way to his mind because he had stopped expecting more from Jeremy long ago. He had also decided to stop feeling sadness. Rather, it was a feeling of emptiness. He had hoped that Jeremy would do more. Maybe he had wished that Jeremy would try to make it up to him, or, at the very least, that Jeremy missed having Michael around.

But he regarded it as a mistake.

A mistake that, as Jeremy would later clarify, he didn’t even regret.

He didn’t regret lying to Michael.

He saw it all as a mistake.

Michael once again took some time to breathe. He couldn’t be completely honest, but he couldn't act like he didn’t care. He simply didn’t have the energy for it anymore. His knack for wily responses had been completely stripped from him, and he was now naked. Naked emotions, weak to any attack. If he dared to point a finger, Jeremy could simply blow, the big bad wolf, and bring Michael down. Michael wouldn’t dare attack. When defenseless, all one can do is hope to appeal to the other side enough to be shown mercy. Michael didn’t want to beg for mercy, but he couldn’t dare reproach the big bad wolf for his actions.

When was it that Jeremy had become such a frightening figure, anyway?

“Right. I don’t know if this is what you regret, but I want to thank you for being kind to me. As they say, ‘thanks for the memories.’ You gave me a lot of happy ones, and often you made sad ones positive.”

Michael would have to be content with memories.  
Memories of lying together, head against head on the way back from the park. Michael pretending to be asleep, and Jeremy pretending to love him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! Being a huge procrastinator, this is the first time I can chuck out a one-shot in two days. I just had to see this story end, and if I didn't end it soon, it would eat me alive. Thus, I didn't revise it, and so I apologize for any misspelt words or awkward phrasings. Uh... sorry if I caused any emotional response, although honestly I would feel very happy for causing one. Hm.   
> Anyway hope you guys enjoyed it!


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